I’ve been asked quite a bit about how I’m doing, what I’m doing, why I’m doing whatever it is that I’m doing. So here’s the answer:
I’m scared. I’m worried. I question whether or not my reputation is mud in this town. I wonder if I’m going to find work again. I’m not sure what to do.
I study every day. I wake up by 6:30 every morning, walk the park and exercise. I eat right-80% of the time. I limit my time goofing off watching TV. I’ve even lost weight since I last worked. In the good way.
It’s officially been a year since I sat at a desk and earned a paycheck. Been a ton of time to sit and reflect. Be mad and scream. Cry and question. I spent a bit of time wondering why they did what they did. How they could treat someone the way I was treated. How no one could stand up and say ‘this is wrong’ but me. Why asking for help was deemed a sign of weakness. Why I got so mad. So very, very upset.
That last one I think I got a good grasp on. Why so mad, so upset, at why this thing didn’t work? Two reasons. First, I thought I was actually being given the reigns to run the business. I wasn’t. It was a fraud. And second, I thought I could win. Like many other things I’ve tried, I really thought the field was level and that there would be a victor. That I could close deals, develop partnerships, build for the long-term. Nope. Not true. Want proof? Because I have it. That company is now a memory. It does hurt (no point in lying) that something I spent 18 months building will be reduced to a line on a balance sheet under ‘Loss’. Pride. Ego. That’s why it stung. That’s why I got wrapped up in it. I had/have not much else, so I tied my self-worth to my job title and paycheck.
News for the kids graduating high school-Don’t ever do that. It’s a bad beat. It’ll drive you nuts. Do whatever the hell makes you happy. Surround yourself with good people. Call your Mom. Have a drink with your Dad. Hug your siblings. Get a dog. Hold off on that last one until you can almost afford one. Oh, and don’t put a pitbull in a 500 sq. ft apartment-that’s just a recipe for disaster.
Now? I consider myself more reflective, more honest, far more polite. I’d like to think I came out of this a better person. I hope a lot of these lessons stick. I’d hate to go back to valuing myself based on someone else’s number of what I’m worth to their company.
So where does that leave things? Welp, I’m broke. Not in the sense that I’ll be on the street tomorrow, but more of the it’s time to get something going. My ego is a tad bit bruised. I’d like to think I’ve got some talent. I’d like to think that maybe, just maybe, someone could use me to improve some of the things that have gone sideways in their workplace. Or, since I’m asking for things, how about I come in and set things up for success? That’s a winning plan.
That’s all I’ve got. I spend most of my nights questioning if I have any more to give (I do) and if I left it all out there. That last question can be parsed into different avenues, and since I’m all about being honest, I’ll answer it:
- In relationships-uh, yeah
- In love-uh, yeah
- In work-too much
- In my life-nope
- With my passions-hardly
- Today-yes, there’s no more to give.
I’m tired. But the good kind of tired. I do know that things will pick up, and one day I’ll look back and realize how far the journey’s been.
For now, Happy Birthday to MCA. You’re missed.
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